Sometimes I feel like I have nothing. The scary part is that my ‘nothing’ is someone’s everything. So then I feel guilty for feeling like I have nothing because in fact I must have something since these other people want what I have. What I think as a life full of boredom, constraint and colorlessness is ultimate freedom, opportunity—Nirvana-like happiness to someone else. How come I can’t be satisfied with what I have, with what I’ve been given? Why do I want more? Am I greedy? Or ambitious? Obviously I’ve been given it for a reason. But what’s the reason? Why is it so hard to find this reason? I want to appreciate what I have because it can be taken from me at any second, blink of an eye.
I’m not happy. I remember a time when I was, wonder if I will ever make it there again to that soft, comforting spot. I have hope but I have my doubts because I know that there are people who are ‘chosen’. Some people are blessed with gifts, talents, special skills and abilities, and while I can identify with that, I don’t think I was graced with the blessing of complete happiness. Part of me doesn’t believe that that is a place I can reach.
Some people are so happy that it scares them. They’re so happy and everything’s happening for them, they’re living out their dreams and it’s scary because they know how rare that it is. One thing after another after another keeps on happening for them, the way they want it, and it’s mind-boggling because it’s them. They were picked to live that life over billions of others. Why, they wonder. But they’ll never comprehend it.
I’ve been gifted, chosen for certain things, but sometimes I fear that I will not be given the chance to live out my dream (s). I used to be naïve and foolishly believe that everyone got the chance, their chance to live out their dreams. But then I grew up and I realized that not everyone gets to wake up with a smile every morning, too happy to be tired. What if I’m not one of those ‘chosen’ ones?
That’s my biggest fear. What's yours?