Monday, October 4, 2010

Out of Love

I've never been in love...
Oh, stop with the awing.

Haven't even taken a stroll in the same neighborhood. Love has avoided me. Or maybe I have avoided love.

I've never experienced the kind of laughter that comes along with being in love. So that means I've also never experienced the tears that also come along with being in love. Hm, seems like it should be something to marvel at, but to me it's something that taunts me.

No, really. Don't pity me. (I'm only nineteen.)

You see, I used to go around asking people, "Do you think it's better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all." While I got mixed responses, my response was never the latter. I used to think that having loved someone was ten times worse than to have never loved someone at all because at least when you've never loved you can't miss it because you have no (real) idea what it (truly) feels like.  When I see people crying over their long, lost loves makes me want to say, "Well, at least I've never had to go through that." But now as I think about it, I'm swaying.

I can't figure out if never having to be stressed out by a relationship and never having my heart broken makes up for never having someone's love, affection and heart. Never having felt like someone needed me—needed to see me, needed to hold me or needed to touch me. See, the people who have been able to love, even for a brief moment, will always have something that I don't: the memory—if nothing else.

I've never felt lonely or separated because I have never experienced love. Only distant and unable to relate. I don't know what it's like to be able to say things, wear things, not wear things—be myself without fearing that the person will judge me. Don't know what it's like to not be embarrassed to be silly, be vulnerable, be me. (Okay, maybe a little awing is necessary.) I don't really know what love is—but I do believe in it. I'll wait (a lifetime if I have to) for love.

Love is the one thing I am patient with.

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